Oct. 4th, 2011

melodicinkysin: (A silly girl.)
Dear friends of mine:
 
I’m not the most religious person in the world, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see the merit in some of what makes my foundation.  For those of you who have no idea what exactly it is I affiliate myself with—more by cultural standards and personal connection than anything deeply spiritual—it shouldn’t really matter.  Though for the purposes of what this whole thing is about, I suppose I should give you a little bit of background.
 
There’s a holiday approaching, and some of you will know what it is.  Yom Kippur.  Holiest day of the year for the Jews of the world.  That’s not the point of this.  The point is that Yom Kippur is a day of introspection, of asking for forgiveness for the things we’ve done.  It’s about focus, about not only asking for forgiveness but forgiving those that have wronged you, and not only looking for redemption from somebody upstairs but all the people on ground level with you.
 
My purpose is now out.  I’m here to ask for forgiveness for all the mistakes I’ve made, consciously or unconsciously.  This isn’t about the holiday, about what I’ve been raised as, or even God.  It never was.
 
I just felt like now is as good of a time as any to set things straight.
 
To those of you I have offended:  I get carried away sometimes; that’s nothing new.  Whether I’ve offended you with something I’ve ran on about or I’ve deliberately insulted you—to your face, or to your back—I apologize.  I’m a passionate person about so very many things, and my passions can get the best of me.  I know there are people I’ve said horrible things about.  There’s likely a turnaround to that, and perhaps I’ve deserved it.  I can be judgmental and crass; I can get stuck in an emotion and buried by it.  Sometimes these states produce the most horrible things, and I say them without thought.  Or maybe I have thought about it, pithily crafted some biting phrase and thrown it out there with intent to wound.  Maybe I hid behind anonymity.  Maybe it was said to someone else, and you never heard it at all.  It doesn’t matter.  What I want you to know is that I apologize for it, that I feel badly for it, and shoulder the responsibility for making it right.
 
To those of you I have been a burden to:  Someone once said to me that I not only live like I’m strapped in a rollercoaster, but that my life seems to peak and fall from crisis to crisis.  Sometimes, it feels like that.  I know my worries and issues and what tend to make me vulnerable aren’t the most awful trials one can face in life.  The world is full of devastatingly real problems, ones that seem insurmountable and shattering.  I’m lucky to say that I don’t face any of those, that in many ways, I’m in a position to help those who truly suffer.  Sometimes I try to.  Yet even when the most ridiculous things happen, when once again I find myself emotionally in a slump, there are those of you who sweep to my sides and try to help me back up.  You listen patiently, you tell me that it might not be all right at the moment, but there’s no reason in the world it won’t be.  You let me say illogical things, and gently remind me I’m being unreasonable, with a smile.  I’m a volatile girl.  I’m shaky, at best.  I say I’m bat shit crazy as a joke, but I’m sure it truly seems it at times.  For all of you who have been my shoulder to lean on, who have spared me their ears and given me hugs—real or not—I’m thankful for your support.  Yet I also feel that I should apologize for placing my struggles on your shoulders.  I’m sorry for my instability, for leaning on you so much.  I’ve taken massive strides from the wreck I used to be, and you’ve helped.  I want you to know that I’m doing my best not to become too much, to still be lucky, but stronger.
 
To those of you I abandoned:  Drifting apart is something that happens between friends and acquaintances, when mutual interests fizzle out and there’s little left to talk about.  Sometimes ‘real life’ gets in the way of simple pleasures and indulgences.  Sometimes we just don’t feel like talking to one another anymore.  Sometimes… we purposely walk away.  I know that there was a time this year I made it a point to not be around in some places.  I distanced myself from certain circles because I wanted to avoid the discomfort of drama and heat from several sides.  I walked away from good people, from a lot of fun I had.  I stopped talking with former confidants.  The reasons don’t matter, good or bad.  The wrong here was that I never explained myself.  I just backed slowly away until I was forgotten about.  For those of you I’ve gotten back in contact with:  I’m sorry I ever pushed you away in the first place.  Thank you for still being who you are, for letting me back in and letting me reestablish the good things.  For those of you I never spoke to again:  I apologize that I didn’t even give you the courtesy of a why.  I’m sorry that in some cases, I lied about the reasons altogether.  Perhaps I still stick by those reasons; perhaps I left for a good one.  That doesn’t change that you deserved the truth, and I held that from you and gave you no option to walk away yourself.
 
To those of you I lied to:  There’s no excuse for this.  I’d like to think myself an open book, someone that isn’t really afraid to hide many things.  Yet I know I’m not transparent.  There are those of you I’ve lied to, and regardless of whether or not you were given the truth later, you deserve to know it.   I apologize for withholding my trust, for feeding you false information, for steering you the wrong direction, for diverting blame, for shirking away from the truth myself.  The worst of it is this:  there are people in my life I know I will continue to lie to.  I’m sorry that I feel the need to do this.  If I haven't fessed up, I’m sorry that we both are not in a place where I feel I can trust you with this, and hopefully, one day, there will be a point where I can come clean, and you will forgive me for it.
 
To those of you I have kept waiting,
To those of you I disappointed,
To those of you I made promises to and did not keep them,
To those of you I have intimidated,
To those of you I have annoyed,
To those of you I flaked out on,
To those of you I was not there for when you needed me,
To those of you I lacked faith in,
To those of you who I gave little reason to have faith in me,
To those of you who have been effected by my poor choices and suffered for them,
To those of you who I will never know, or do not know, how I have wronged,
To those of you I will wrong this coming year,
 
I’m sorry.  Forgive me?
 
—Melissa


Additional note:  To those of you who have done any wrong by me, to those of you I have held grudges against, I forgive you, and will take strides to keep myself from being unjustly angered with you from now on.

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