melodicinkysin: (A silly girl.)
Dearest, darlingest, lovely players:

I seem to have mastered a dance between being ever-present and forever disappearing.  I skirt that unreliable borderline between having the potential to be a good castmate/CR and being utterly befuddling and frustrating.  Most of you know the reasons for my ephemeral presence in Luceti with both of my poor characters, and some of you may not.

Regardless of such, I don't feel the need to go into exquisite details about what has been putting my drive to tag through the wringer.  If you've followed my plurks or have had the chance to speak with me personally, you know that I have had something simple and inherent to life as a human being happening repeatedly:  life coming at me from every which way.  My choices are, as a woman of decent heart and stout bosom, is to take it or to let it defeat me.  I have to take what life throws at me and make something out of it; I have to pack such difficulties in my stride.  Each surmounted obstacle should be my starting block, from where I push off in that desperate caw and claw to better myself.

So what does this have to do with you, per se?

Everything that has been making my shoulders its mantelpiece has been an added burden and pressure.  Each one is a challenge that I plan to reconstruct into a building block by which I can build my life as I want it to be.  Unfortunately, that takes time.  It's not, as it is for some people, an overnight transformation or the breath inside the euphoria of an epiphany.  I have, without a doubt, a handful of tasks on my plate, responsibilities and personal burdens that I have taken up, just as everyone else who has their beautiful lives outside the computer screen.  It's become a convoluted mess, and it's more than high time that I make hay while the sun shines.  To be completely less cliché and pathetic sounding:  I'm taking control, and I'm about to make life my own.  That isn't to say it always hasn't been, but really, it hasn't in a few ways.  No more.  It's mine for the taking.

Abridged version:  Life hasn't been easy, and in prioritizing who I am and what I need to be in these months, RP has taken the hit.  I'm doing what I can to reorganize, and I'll find my way back.

Highly abridged version:  I haven't been around.  I'm sorry.  I won't be for a little while longer.

Three words:  I'll be back.

I think it's about time I take a break from this.  This feels like the sort of relationship where I give the lame excuse as a pleading girl with wide eyes and a crumpled lip, fingers steepled and shaking, "It's not you, it's me."  Well, it isn't.  I thought you all had best know that.  You've been wonderful to me, patient, lovely, the listening ear I needed at times and the sweet souls that have allowed me my houdini act when it best suited me, regardless of what it cost.

Taking a hiatus may come as no surprise, and perhaps it's no big deal, but I feel as though you deserved an explanation.  A vague one at that, but something.  That isn't to say I won't be tagging, either.  I simply feel that I'd best tackle what I've involved myself in, first.  I haven't yet decided where they'll be going, but assume that my cantankerous lot of characters have taken up some sort of purpose.

“To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.”

--Henri Bergson, French philosopher

It all boils down to this:

I'm taking a break, and I apologize it took me this long to let you all know.


melodicinkysin: (A silly girl.)
Dear friends of mine:
I’m not the most religious person in the world, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see the merit in some of what makes my foundation.  For those of you who have no idea what exactly it is I affiliate myself with—more by cultural standards and personal connection than anything deeply spiritual—it shouldn’t really matter.  Though for the purposes of what this whole thing is about, I suppose I should give you a little bit of background.
There’s a holiday approaching, and some of you will know what it is.  Yom Kippur.  Holiest day of the year for the Jews of the world.  That’s not the point of this.  The point is that Yom Kippur is a day of introspection, of asking for forgiveness for the things we’ve done.  It’s about focus, about not only asking for forgiveness but forgiving those that have wronged you, and not only looking for redemption from somebody upstairs but all the people on ground level with you.
My purpose is now out.  I’m here to ask for forgiveness for all the mistakes I’ve made, consciously or unconsciously.  This isn’t about the holiday, about what I’ve been raised as, or even God.  It never was.
I just felt like now is as good of a time as any to set things straight.
To those of you I have offended:  I get carried away sometimes; that’s nothing new.  Whether I’ve offended you with something I’ve ran on about or I’ve deliberately insulted you—to your face, or to your back—I apologize.  I’m a passionate person about so very many things, and my passions can get the best of me.  I know there are people I’ve said horrible things about.  There’s likely a turnaround to that, and perhaps I’ve deserved it.  I can be judgmental and crass; I can get stuck in an emotion and buried by it.  Sometimes these states produce the most horrible things, and I say them without thought.  Or maybe I have thought about it, pithily crafted some biting phrase and thrown it out there with intent to wound.  Maybe I hid behind anonymity.  Maybe it was said to someone else, and you never heard it at all.  It doesn’t matter.  What I want you to know is that I apologize for it, that I feel badly for it, and shoulder the responsibility for making it right.
To those of you I have been a burden to:  Someone once said to me that I not only live like I’m strapped in a rollercoaster, but that my life seems to peak and fall from crisis to crisis.  Sometimes, it feels like that.  I know my worries and issues and what tend to make me vulnerable aren’t the most awful trials one can face in life.  The world is full of devastatingly real problems, ones that seem insurmountable and shattering.  I’m lucky to say that I don’t face any of those, that in many ways, I’m in a position to help those who truly suffer.  Sometimes I try to.  Yet even when the most ridiculous things happen, when once again I find myself emotionally in a slump, there are those of you who sweep to my sides and try to help me back up.  You listen patiently, you tell me that it might not be all right at the moment, but there’s no reason in the world it won’t be.  You let me say illogical things, and gently remind me I’m being unreasonable, with a smile.  I’m a volatile girl.  I’m shaky, at best.  I say I’m bat shit crazy as a joke, but I’m sure it truly seems it at times.  For all of you who have been my shoulder to lean on, who have spared me their ears and given me hugs—real or not—I’m thankful for your support.  Yet I also feel that I should apologize for placing my struggles on your shoulders.  I’m sorry for my instability, for leaning on you so much.  I’ve taken massive strides from the wreck I used to be, and you’ve helped.  I want you to know that I’m doing my best not to become too much, to still be lucky, but stronger.
To those of you I abandoned:  Drifting apart is something that happens between friends and acquaintances, when mutual interests fizzle out and there’s little left to talk about.  Sometimes ‘real life’ gets in the way of simple pleasures and indulgences.  Sometimes we just don’t feel like talking to one another anymore.  Sometimes… we purposely walk away.  I know that there was a time this year I made it a point to not be around in some places.  I distanced myself from certain circles because I wanted to avoid the discomfort of drama and heat from several sides.  I walked away from good people, from a lot of fun I had.  I stopped talking with former confidants.  The reasons don’t matter, good or bad.  The wrong here was that I never explained myself.  I just backed slowly away until I was forgotten about.  For those of you I’ve gotten back in contact with:  I’m sorry I ever pushed you away in the first place.  Thank you for still being who you are, for letting me back in and letting me reestablish the good things.  For those of you I never spoke to again:  I apologize that I didn’t even give you the courtesy of a why.  I’m sorry that in some cases, I lied about the reasons altogether.  Perhaps I still stick by those reasons; perhaps I left for a good one.  That doesn’t change that you deserved the truth, and I held that from you and gave you no option to walk away yourself.
To those of you I lied to:  There’s no excuse for this.  I’d like to think myself an open book, someone that isn’t really afraid to hide many things.  Yet I know I’m not transparent.  There are those of you I’ve lied to, and regardless of whether or not you were given the truth later, you deserve to know it.   I apologize for withholding my trust, for feeding you false information, for steering you the wrong direction, for diverting blame, for shirking away from the truth myself.  The worst of it is this:  there are people in my life I know I will continue to lie to.  I’m sorry that I feel the need to do this.  If I haven't fessed up, I’m sorry that we both are not in a place where I feel I can trust you with this, and hopefully, one day, there will be a point where I can come clean, and you will forgive me for it.
To those of you I have kept waiting,
To those of you I disappointed,
To those of you I made promises to and did not keep them,
To those of you I have intimidated,
To those of you I have annoyed,
To those of you I flaked out on,
To those of you I was not there for when you needed me,
To those of you I lacked faith in,
To those of you who I gave little reason to have faith in me,
To those of you who have been effected by my poor choices and suffered for them,
To those of you who I will never know, or do not know, how I have wronged,
To those of you I will wrong this coming year,
I’m sorry.  Forgive me?

Additional note:  To those of you who have done any wrong by me, to those of you I have held grudges against, I forgive you, and will take strides to keep myself from being unjustly angered with you from now on.
melodicinkysin: (A silly girl.)
11 Layers Meme

Layer One: On the Inside

Name: Melissa
Birthday: March 18th
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Blonde
Righty or Lefty: Righty!
Zodiac Sign: Pisces and Year of the Dragon!

Layer Two: On the Outside

Your Fears: Spiders and loneliness
Your Weakness:  Tailored menswear on either sex, coffee, wine, and antiques.

Layer Three: Today

Your thoughts first waking up:   "... I can hit snooze.  Can't I?  I think I can.  Hrrrrnghlh."
Your bedtime:  Whenever common sense dawns on me enough to go OH SHIT, THE TIME!  I HAVE TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING
Your most missed memory:   Being on stage.  I miss every sort of performance I used to do.

Layer Four: Your Pick

Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King:   Wack Arnold's. (as my brother calls it)  Hands down.
Single or Group dates:  Single.  If I want a date, I want to have my date to myself.
Adidas or Nike: CONVERSE!
Lipton Tea or Nestea:  I don't drink iced tea.  Ever.  It's gross.  I like my tea black, with cream, with sugar, and really hot.  (very English, yes)
Chocolate or Vanilla:   ... swirl?
Cappuccino or Coffee:  Cappuccino. I admit it. I like froo-froo coffee.  With caramel.  MMN.

Layer Five: Do You?

Smoke:  I don't smoke cigarettes, but I had my pot head days.  
Have a crush:  Oh, hell yes.  She's short, she's terribly evil, has a killer grin and smacks me when I deserve it.  The goofball.
Want to get married:   I think so.
Believe in yourself:   For the most part. Everyone has their insecurities, and I have mine.
Think you're a health freak:    HAHA. Oh no. I eat things that would make a health freak cry and poop their pants.

Layer Six: In the Past Month

Drank alcohol: Yup! Wine, beer, and the occasional martini and margarita.  
Gone to the mall:   I don't think it counts as a mall, but Lynn and I went to the Dress Barn the other day.  
Eaten Sushi: Many times. Yummmmm
Dyed your hair:   I've temp dyed it once red and I've been DYING to go permanently red for ages.  So. So. SO TEMPTED.

Layer Seven: Have Your Ever?

Played a stripping game: Strip Mario Kart. Oh YEAH.
Gotten beaten up:   Thankfully, no.  Though I did have an old college room mate threaten to stab me with my own keys.  She deserved the subsequent pranks that sent her running for the damned hills.
Changed who you were to fit in:   I am completely and utterly bat shit nuts.  Hardly one to change anything about myself.

Layer Eight: Getting Old

Age your hoping to be married:   I don't think marriage requires an age cap on it.  There's no point in life where we go WELP.  PAST MY PRIME.    Although since I'm fairly sure I wanna have kids one day, I'd like to be in the sort of relationship when I'm young enough for that to happen.

Layer Nine: Perfect Mate

Best Eye Color: I’m not picky… but green are just delicious.
Best Hair Color:   I don't really have a preference.  Though I'm stupidly drawn to red hair.  *A*
Short or Long Hair: Whatever works for that particular person. Because some hairstyles just do not work on certain people, despite that the are drop dead smoking UNGH on others.

Layer Ten: What were you doing...

1 MINUTE AGO:  Fiddling with the CSS of this very journal.
1 HOUR AGO:  Running an errand for my mother.
1 DAY AGO:  Probably tagging XD
1 YEAR AGO:  In class at UMKC.  Coming over to the dark side of becoming an English major~

Layer Eleven: Finish the Sentence

I LOVE: music with every pore of my body, words with every sound I make, and the chance to be alive every morning.
I FEEL: stupidly sleeping, braindead, and stuffed.  (Dangit Grammy, your cooking is too fabulous)
I HATE: intentional ignorance, the completely close minded, blind obedience, and unjustified discrimination and judgement.
I HIDE: my darker past, my more stupid mistakes, and mysensitivity.
I MISS: the streets of Paris, being on stage, San Diego, and my dearest friends who don't live here.  (KIMMY ;A;)
I NEED: enough money to move out, more time to spend with my sweethearts (all of you), more time to write, and the words to keep doing it.
melodicinkysin: (Default)
....So I like poetry.  I like writing poetry.

Expect a lot of it.  I have no other place to put it, and it makes me giddy just to think it's been "published" somewhere.

Not that I haven't other things to do.  
(still got 11 poems to post yet, and that doesn't count the ones I plan to write.  There'll be prose too.  And ramblings.  Yesssss lots of those.)