melodicinkysin: (Default)
 I really ought to work on filling this journal with personal projects, scraps of writing, and happier news, but alas, it seems the only time I use it is for personal tales of woe that I'm sifting through to find shinier nuggets to be happy about.  Today is no different.

I've been happy... or at least happier for quite some time now, as dropping my job as a waitress with a massive amount of noise and a slightly crass exit was exhilarating.  I thought I'd found one of those coveted 'ins' to a world I wanted to be in, and for several months, I was happier working my tail off inside an office with good people.

As of today, it's been a week since that office had dragged me a month over contract, and out of nowhere, bitchslapped me with a "Don't come back on Monday," and forbade me from coming to get my own things out of the office.  I suppose I've learned my lesson in working for a temp agency.  One, people can very easily be liars when they say they have every plan to bring you on. Two, they will lie to your face even further when it best suits them, and talk about the things they need you to do on Monday hours before they fire you.  Three, even companies that appear to be like families can be as corporate and cold as any, where employees might as well be their endless supply of "redshirts".  Four, they will drag out the whole process if they feel like you are doing something they need, and then drop you as soon as the project is done.

Yes, good, it's one of those things in life, congratulations, Mel!  You've survived another loathsome things most of the world has been through, go cry about it.

I have, unfortunately, because I'm one of those people who can't manage not to take something personally.  It's ridiculous, and it makes me look like an emotional care, but frankly, I couldn't give less of a damn.  I just needed a few days not to be bitter and upset about it, and that time would help me move on and work towards the next thing.

So here's the things that don't help:

1.  My former coworkers at this particular office seem to think that texting their sympathies will make me feel better, and that all the representatives from across the country I did things for need to give me their apologies and tell me I did a fabulous job and they'll miss me.

It doesn't.  At all.  

2.  The temp agency has given me no leads whatsoever on getting a new job.  I've been searching on my own, applying on my own, but every bloody job out there requires people to apply online.  Convenient, yes, but without a college degree and without much experience in terms of being an admin for very long or having been a bank teller before, etc... I pale in comparison to whoever else is applying.  The interview has and always will be the place I shine most, and I can't even get an interview.  I spent a month just trying to get that last job, and I can hardly afford things as is for how horribly I got paid during it.  Now, I'm not making a cent, and there's no real job leads in sight.  Essentially, the job market is utter shit.

3.  I had been looking forward to a vacation this holiday weekend since last year, ever since we'd learned that the Maritime Museum in San Diego has a festival of sail.

Not only did I keep from buying a ticket to go because I was holding out for that job... but now, I couldn't even afford to go.

Three of my close people are now all together in a city I've been dying to get back to.  I'd been planning for this, hoping for this for an entire year and had financial setback after financial setback.  I could have used a pick-me-up this year.  I honestly need one, and now... well.  Everyone is out there without me.  They say we'll skype, that they'll take pictures.  We'll talk.  Frankly, I've been so disappointed and depressed from all of this, I don't even know if I want to.  Do I really want them all in front of a camera, having a good time when I spend hours upon hours in front of a computer job searching with no results other than polite declinations?  Do I really want to talk to three people that I haven't talked to much at all in the last week anyway, because they've all had busy lives and I'm just trying to keep mine together?  

I'm in a despicable state.  I really am.  I'm in a mood where I'd rather cut off everyone socially, because I could hardly manage a smile if I wanted to.  It's a very pathetic state, because it's mostly due to self-loathing, jealousy, and not having enough self-confidence and motivation and perseverance to move forward.  At least I know it's pathetic.  I know it's a massive fault in my personality, but I'm not in a state to give a fuck about it, or even try to change it currently.

4.  My cell phone got cancelled.   Fucking wonderful.

I had originally scheduled for automatic payments to happen every month so that I could avoid having late fees due to forgetfulness or just lack of time.  Apparently, everything I scheduled just... didn't work.  None of the payments happened, and so I got a call yesterday that my cell phone got cancelled.  Pretty lovely, yes?

It's not unfixable.  It's just one more thing that makes your day a bit more sour.

Okay, so enough of my kvetching.  I promised myself I'd at least write about a few things I can be excited about.

1.  I start teaching 8th and 9th graders at the New Reform Temple a comparative religion class on Sundays next weekend!  So that's pretty cool.  It's a little extra money, and honesty, while I'll be scared shitless of them at first, I think I'm going to have a lot of fun.

2.  I think I have a few RP plans in the works.  

3.  At least I get to chill?  Even if my social life is severely lacking.

That's all I've got.  Huzzah for emotional updates nobody will care about.  Consider this a personal catharsis, something you're not actually required to give a flying whoop about.  I anticipate it, and honestly, I don't care.  Because legitimately, what can you actually do about any of it?


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