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It's been a year, a whole year since my last journal entry that held the very same purpose as this one does. Nothing in that regard has changed, but, as people are oft to do, I have changed myself.
Yep. It's Yom Kippur. (Already! Lunar calendars. Got to love them.)
I'll start off, once again, by stating that I'm not a very religious person. I'm the sort of Jew who says she's Jew-ish, heavy on the ish. I don't keep kosher or follow really any of the rules. I can count the number of times I go to services on a single hand, and don't use all the fingers. For me, this time of year isn't about the observance. Rather, it's a personal tradition that I seek out those I might have wronged because... well, because I believe it's a good thing to do. The principals behind the holiday, at least, have some merit. So here I am.
In the last year, I've made a good lot of mistakes. I'd like to think that this year has been better than the last, and that I've grown as a human being, but that is heresay and likely up for debate. What I do know is that as a person, I have changed. In changing, I've faced new decisions, revisited old ones, faced new problems, and battled old personal demons. I haven't always made the right choice, which is exactly why I'm asking you to read this. This is for you, because I have no doubt in my mind that at some point, my choices have wronged you.
This year, my letter is shorter, but my plea is no less genuine. I haven't always been honest. I've lied, I've evaded and ducked the company of people who cared about me, and I've been flaky. I've given excuses. I've allowed myself to succumb to dismay, and asked you to help shoulder the burden of my emotional state and the process of getting myself back up. I've gossiped. I've said things I desperately regret. I've held my tongue when I desperately needed to speak, and should have. I've done things I'm not proud of. I've done things I'm ashamed of. I've done things I have trouble forgiving myself for.
For all the times I have knowingly wronged you, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I'm sorry for hurting you, no matter how cruel I had intended to be, I'm an emotional trainwreck. I free myself of those emotions, I look back, and I regret things. Sometimes I acted against you, sometimes I did not act and my inaction caused pain. I promise that I regret what I have done. For all these things, I beg forgiveness.
For all the times I have unknowingly wronged you, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. My actions may have wounded when I had no intention of doing so, but that did not spare you from any anger, pain, disappointment, or resentment you felt in the wake of them. In my effort to be a good and decent and empathetic and accepting human being, I sometimes falter. I don't always know the consequences of my actions, and sometimes, they have hurt you. For all these unconscious ways I have wronged you, I beg forgiveness.
For all the times in the future I will do you wrong, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I am human, and I'm a mad one at that. I'm a messy girl who's trying her damndest to get her life together at 24, and I screw up. Too much, probably. In the next year that lies ahead of us, I will -- knowingly or unkowingly -- hurt you. I hope that I can write you next holiday and beg your forgiveness then, but I also am here before you now and beg forgiveness for what I will do.
Lastly... for all who have in any way hurt me, angered me, upset me, or wronged me: I forgive you. I will do my utmost to hold no grudges against you, and I wish you the best for this year.
Yours,
Melissa
Yep. It's Yom Kippur. (Already! Lunar calendars. Got to love them.)
I'll start off, once again, by stating that I'm not a very religious person. I'm the sort of Jew who says she's Jew-ish, heavy on the ish. I don't keep kosher or follow really any of the rules. I can count the number of times I go to services on a single hand, and don't use all the fingers. For me, this time of year isn't about the observance. Rather, it's a personal tradition that I seek out those I might have wronged because... well, because I believe it's a good thing to do. The principals behind the holiday, at least, have some merit. So here I am.
In the last year, I've made a good lot of mistakes. I'd like to think that this year has been better than the last, and that I've grown as a human being, but that is heresay and likely up for debate. What I do know is that as a person, I have changed. In changing, I've faced new decisions, revisited old ones, faced new problems, and battled old personal demons. I haven't always made the right choice, which is exactly why I'm asking you to read this. This is for you, because I have no doubt in my mind that at some point, my choices have wronged you.
This year, my letter is shorter, but my plea is no less genuine. I haven't always been honest. I've lied, I've evaded and ducked the company of people who cared about me, and I've been flaky. I've given excuses. I've allowed myself to succumb to dismay, and asked you to help shoulder the burden of my emotional state and the process of getting myself back up. I've gossiped. I've said things I desperately regret. I've held my tongue when I desperately needed to speak, and should have. I've done things I'm not proud of. I've done things I'm ashamed of. I've done things I have trouble forgiving myself for.
For all the times I have knowingly wronged you, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I'm sorry for hurting you, no matter how cruel I had intended to be, I'm an emotional trainwreck. I free myself of those emotions, I look back, and I regret things. Sometimes I acted against you, sometimes I did not act and my inaction caused pain. I promise that I regret what I have done. For all these things, I beg forgiveness.
For all the times I have unknowingly wronged you, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. My actions may have wounded when I had no intention of doing so, but that did not spare you from any anger, pain, disappointment, or resentment you felt in the wake of them. In my effort to be a good and decent and empathetic and accepting human being, I sometimes falter. I don't always know the consequences of my actions, and sometimes, they have hurt you. For all these unconscious ways I have wronged you, I beg forgiveness.
For all the times in the future I will do you wrong, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I am human, and I'm a mad one at that. I'm a messy girl who's trying her damndest to get her life together at 24, and I screw up. Too much, probably. In the next year that lies ahead of us, I will -- knowingly or unkowingly -- hurt you. I hope that I can write you next holiday and beg your forgiveness then, but I also am here before you now and beg forgiveness for what I will do.
Lastly... for all who have in any way hurt me, angered me, upset me, or wronged me: I forgive you. I will do my utmost to hold no grudges against you, and I wish you the best for this year.
Yours,
Melissa
